| random. |
[22 Nov 2006|06:09pm] |
This is quite random but i guess this is what boredom brings to me. I have nothing better to do. Well tomorrow is Thanksgiving, i am not having it with all of my family this year which for me, defeats the purpose but whatever i guess my mom can only do so much. Lately I've been realizing so much about me and about people it is quite o overwhelming when i actually get so much free time that my only choice is to think about it. I not only realized that half the girls i was bonding with are a bit two-faced, but there are really only a few people i care for in this world. Well actually i care about everyone as long as youre not some sort of mass murderer or anything, but i from now on will not go out of my way to please anyone but the ones i truely love and trust. I will help anyone and everyone I possibly can, but I'm not saying I will do the same thing with trust. I am happy with my two best friends. I dont need anymore. If more come my way then hey! its always a pleasure but I've played every friend-game out there and im pretty sure I'm done playing. I love my family. I love Natasha and I love David. Natasha and Dave... my two and only best friends. They are all i need, forever. Forever is a big word, a big word with a long meaning. I personaly can use that word describing my love for them. I am not too much of a planer really, but I do know that nothing can stop my love. Not for him, not for her. Good comes from bad right? well I guess i found out what comes from really bad, hence my past. It led me to the best thing that has ever happend in my life. It happend so fast. It's like one day i am the worlds most worrisome person, and all I have to do is look at you to make that all go away. I thought this feeling as honestly non existant but I guess not. It is indescribable. I dont know what i could have done to possibly deserve this but im not complaining. I can definitely stay like this, forever. When i say that I mean it. Some people like to abuse words, but me, i can't really say that i think before i speak because that would just be a lie, but i chose my words wisely and i dont know how i can do that without thinking before I speak, but i do. I don't say I am in pain unless i really am. I don't say I'm happy just because of a little smirk, I dont say I love you if I really dont, so when I use big words they mean a lot to me and they should to whom ever I am saying them to. Not many people are like me and i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing because I like myself, but i dont at the same time. I dont like what I see when I look in the mirror but i like the fact that somebody so important to me does. I dont like that most of the time my mom doesnt have money and she crys and it rubs off on me, I dont like that 98 percent of my day I think people are going to kill me, but what i do like is that I always know what I'm dealing with. I like that helping people comes naturally. I like that I'm nice to everyone. I like that I'm not like other girlfriends. I like that I know that I am not the only important person in Dave's life. I dont make myself his main priority. I like that we live a little far away. I like that hes in a band and doesnt sit home everyday like I do. I support him 120% at all times. Most girls wouldnt be able to handle the fact their boyfriend will be gone for half of the summer,I can handle it. I can handle anything. Im not going to let that, and anything else in the world come between what him and I have. I don't know how we became this but its never stopping on my part, nor his.
i just need a job.
i feel better. this is a good thing.
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| The happiest happy can be. |
[19 Sep 2006|07:57pm] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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is what i am. Dave is all mine and i love it.
I knew things would go good once he started driving.
Saturday was amazing, we were supose to go to olive garden, BUTTT it was a 50 minute wait.
sooooooo we just went somewhere else. It was my first time ever out to dinner with just one boy and im glad it was dave. He is comming again on saturday really early and we're gunna watch movies and cuddle and nap all day until the show. It's going to be great.
School is lame. I hate tests. But school is school and im going to try my best this year. I was already absent once and late once, but thats not too too bad even though it is september. Ahh, i hate waking up earlyyy. anyway enough with complaining. My life is great right now and can not get any better. And i feel the need to share it with everyone!
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| TRUE. |
[02 Sep 2006|06:26pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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some lame tv show. |
] |
so much for those girl days you promised me.
so much for even spending time.
i love my new friends.
School on tuesday.
Dave's birthday is on the 9th!
He drives on the 11th.
My sister's birthday on the 21st.
I have yet to shop for school.. it doesn't make sense.
I hate school, but im looking forward to september, it shall be fun!
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| 9 more days till school. |
[27 Aug 2006|12:18pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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music |
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broken social scene |
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negative free me.
I couldn't love life any more than i do now.
I may have done nothing too grand this summer but it was definitely a summer I will remember.
I made some amazing friends, and my true best friends stuck with me and are also incredible.
Dave is just everything I look for in a guy & more and everyday he gets better. His birthday is coming up on the 9th. :)! then two days later he can drive! I'm very much excited for that. I still have yet to go any sort of school shopping. Oh yeah, and summer reading/math. :( IM SUCH a procrastinator. It really is bad. I'll get to it.
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| summer is ending. |
[24 Aug 2006|09:21am] |
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mood |
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thankful |
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music |
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lydia |
] |
Okay so even though i look forward to summer all school-year long, It's not soo great. I mean knowing I don't have to wakeup at 5:30 am the next day and do mad tests, study and all that crap, is amazing but I miss weekends and missing 600000 days of school, bugging my momma to let me stay home, laughing at everyone in my school. I don't want school to start i just want witner to come NOWWWWW. winter is the best season of them all no matter what anybody sayssssssss. yesterday was the backyard show that I've been waiting for since uhh lastmonth. It was pretty fun. My cookies were a big hit. I didn't expect the night to end how it did. It was good good good. anyway here are a few things I've learned this summer.
My cousin is my twin and the best person in my life.
I've given up on my step-mom, shes a jerk.
To respect and be nice to everyone unless they give you a reason not to.
That I've grown up so so much since last summer.
I don't care what people think anymore.
I do what makes me happy instead of pleasing everyone else other than myself.
I don't sit around and wait for people.
I've met amazing people this summer and I hope we all become closer.
You can fall for the most unexpected person.
days go by quicker than you think.
My school is gunna suck with everyone new in it, though it already does.
Boys, or people in general are just BLIND & don't know what they are doing.
I really am not sure of what this world is comming to.
Natasha Johnson is my best friend.
some people just suck at life.
always have a postive outlook on everything and it will turn out for the good.ex:[lastnight]
treat others how you would like to be treated.[ its truee!]
tans are lame.
This country is dumb.
As much as I say I am going to go on a diet im not.
2 am online is so much better than 2pm
people take myspace to the next level and its pathetic.
75 percent of boys I know are scumm.
Chris Leo's sister is the cutest girl alive.
Stand up for yourself [ I'm still working on that]
Paitence is important.
I'm living life.
Drinking is DUMB DUMB DUMB.
and finally,
you really are the cutest boy I've ever met & i really do want things to work out.
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[18 Aug 2006|10:29pm] |
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bored |
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music |
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Mirah |
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I have no life. Somebody change that because I obv. can't seem to do so.
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[18 Aug 2006|01:14pm] |
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music |
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Pedro the Lion |
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I wonder if people actually read my long entries. This week my moods really varied. One minute I was happy, the next I felt upset or worried for some reason. The end of summer is near and I am actually excited. I like looking foward to weekends and having a set scheduale I mean, it's not like I go to school everday. I miss like, a day each week. I'm gunna try not to this year, though i always say that. My mom should be taking me to Philly sometime soon for some school shopping. I'm exctied. I love excitement. Im excited for the 23rd also. :]! should be fun. A lot has been running through my mind lately. Hence my last update. It's more than just my past but it's my present and who my actuall friends are. Iv'e realized that sometimes we tend to put a lable on people saying she is my best friend, or he is my best friend, only because we feel forced to. Not anymore. I really am going to try and control the fact I let people walk all over me and not do anything about it. It's about time. Last night Alex Link and I had a pretty cool conversation about life these days. It was nice to get some of that out. I saw natasha a lot this week and it was wonderfullll. We went to the movies. We went to the park and played with Keith. It felt to get out for a bit. Hopefully I'll find something exciting to do this weekend. Someone please help me out. Hhahaha Jimmy just reminded me of those hot topic strapy pants. I owned a pair four years ago. There's an image for you.
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| past is past is past. |
[13 Aug 2006|02:23am] |
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 determined |
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music |
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Mogwai |
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"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only for wallowing in"-Katherine Mansfield
Okay This update may sound lame already But i rarely write about serious things, and after a lot of thinking I need to get this out.
Well, as most of us know, last year for me, was not such a great year till about late December. My summer and fall were filled with horrible mistakes. Some in which have built up a reputayion for me that i would much rather live without. It's very hard to cover up your past when everybody is aware of it. Regret is something i dont live with. I don't need it. Nobody does. How many times a day in this world do you think somebody says "I regret not saying hi" "I regret not going there at this time" "I regret saying that" "I regret doing that"? why? Why not be happy with the choice you made. You made that choice for a reason and as long as you're still living then the choice must have not been that bad. People also say "wow im so happy i went there at this time" or, "I'm happy i did that when i did" or something along those lines. Of course we don't remember those times, we tend to let the bad over power, or hide the good. Why do we do that? I would think we want the good to show through. Well, anyway, I made my mistakes and I've learned more this year than i think i will in a lifetime. Yes, i am 15 years of age, and yes that is young, but is it possible to feel as if i've grown to an adult if I'm only 15? I guess anything is possible it just frustrates me when people only see me as a little girl when I am much much more than that. I had so much responsibility and doubt placed on my shoulder at all times last year that i think i can handle anything. We make mistakes to grow, to learn, for a reason. Of course i wish i didn't make the horrible and disgusting choices i did last year, but I'm not going to sit here and dwell on the past when i have so much more ahead of me. People who believe people never change or grow up or mature, sicken me. I know i did and I'm pretty sure my friends know to. If you are not my friend and you see me as the same person i was last year then you mean nothing to me and are worth nothing and clearly a waste of my time. That was probably the closest to mean I'll ever get, but it is true. If you hold a grude against me because of my past, then what about in 20 years? When i plan to have a family and 35 years old? Am i still that same person. There is no difference. I have so much more life to live and I plan on making a thousand more mistakes and grow a little each time. It's like we plant a mistake seed and every time we make a mistake, or water the seed, we/it grows a bit more. The watering is what tilll get up to the flower. To Adulthood. Why do you think adults think they know everything? They've made there mistakes and know the results and have grown from them, but being 40 or 50 doesn't mean you don't make mistakes, it just means you've made half of yours and have about another half left to make. Like i said before, I'm not happy with what I did, but I'm not going to sit around saddend by it. I did what I did. Why be negative? Why should anybody be negative? If you were to become ill right now and know that you can die within ten days, are you the person to sit around and consistently mourn on the fact you're going to die? Or make your last ten days the best days of your life. I know I would do anything to keep my mind off of it and i would still have an outlook in which would not be a negative one. Always keep the past in mind, but keep the present at heart. Strive for success. Anything is possible. If i had a choice to erase my past or keep it, it would probably be the hardest choice I'd have to make, but I think in the end, i would want to keep it to know, ive grown that much, come this far to be who I am now. I like who i am now. Even though I'm not as pretty as I would like to be, or as skinny as I'd like to be, or my family isn't as rich as in my dreams, and I don't have the boyfriend I want in my life right now, I like me as a person. I wish i could be less shy. I wish i had good communication skills. But i don't and I'm not. Whats beauty worth anyway, it just takes away the greatness of our hearts and minds. Everyone is beautiful in some way, Though i havnt found the way inwhich i am, somebody will. Somebody will soon see who i really am, who I've become. Sometimes I'm not even too sure if my friends know me as the reall serious me. I am always the silly one. The little short one that says the most ridiculous things and make it funny. That is good too, but hopefully people also see this side of me, and this is why I am writing this, not only because I have no life and want to sit online and type this year long entry. haha. but anyway, if you're reading this i highly appreciate it because you have the paitence level i'll never have. I think now is the time i should shower.
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[09 Aug 2006|06:57pm] |
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content |
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music |
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for the meantime |
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My mom has been being mean lately.
I went over on my cellphone bill a lot.
I miss my friends.
I'm never hungry anymore.
Everyone has boyfriends.
YOU change your boy everyweek and it gets annoying.
Dairy Queen has the best icecream
Ang drives bad, sometimes.
my back hurts from this stinkin' computer chair.
Myspace is boring.
As well as aim.
I went shopping and got a new free people dress n other cute stuff. :)
I NEED to be able to drive, yet i have so long till i actually can.
I should be reading my last summer reading book.
YOU are adorable and should come back from tour.
My cousin amazes me, and i miss her terribly.
Cursive art of hard is a great song.
I let my pet mouse/rat free today.
I really want to go to the beach at night, its been gorgeous.
I want to start going to church again, perhaps confess my sins, i haven't done so since about second grade.
For some reason my hair doesn't grow fast anymore.
I need to re-dye my hair blonde.
My dog still smells.
I like that tingly feeling i get when you call me.
I like that feeling when i listen to a song and it reminds me of another time i listened to it and it brings me back like it is present.
I am not siked about school, at all.
I hate phsyco girlfriends, if i ever become one I want to be the best.
I need to cuddle.
I want a kitten.
I'm always happy.
I'm ending this long thing.
pce.
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| summer |
[05 Aug 2006|09:39am] |
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accomplished |
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music |
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sufjan stevens |
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Okay so even though my summer isn that great i really can't complain all that much. Iv'e been spending so much time with my cousin, she is seriously my best friend. I love her to death. She is my sister, i swear. I don't think a day ent by I spent with her without laughing. I just came home today from her house again. No parties this time. Warped Tour was pretty fun. Madd hott though. I expected it. I met Meg & Dia and the singer in Mewithoutyou. I love mewithoutyou. Anyway, I miss carissa already. I am so boredddd. I may be going to ithica NY to visit my sister. which is exciting but, i dred leaving my house again! i just want to relax. If I do go, ill be going this week and comming back on the 13th. Which is a good thing because it'l make august go by faster which makes september appear quicker which makes it closer to September 11th which is when Dave can drive.
I am really happy with life right now. Everyone is making my smile and laugh, including dave. He is really great. My friends say from what they know about him he seems like a nice guy, i know hes a nice guy. His friends are all extremely nice. This is good. I got to see him before he left for tour, which hopefully i get to see him when he returns and playss in my town! It was nice seeing him. We went for a walk and talked. Im getting less shy, which is a good sign, this is a good sign. Im hoping in september when we get to hangout more, he will end up liking me and things will be good, but im not expecting anything. im content.
:)
My dog is enormous and smelly. I don't feel like washing her though. :/
It seems as if my Saterday consists of doing nothing but sitting online all night. hmm whatever It could always be worse.
I lost four lbs, though i have no idea how i managed to pull that off, ive been eating disgusting lately. Hopefully i will be able to loose 20 more. Then again, i dont care what you think of me.
friends? yeah im loosing some. gaining some. what else is new.
im naked.
i need to clean my room, its a disaster.
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| what is happening . |
[25 Jul 2006|11:38am] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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well,I've spent five wonderful days with my cousin. Today is my last day up here, though i am coming back up on the 2nd of August.[for warped tour] How lame are we!? But Lydia will be there, and they are amazing, and rather then seeing a whole bunch of shitty bands, it is fun to be outside all day with lots of unknown faces. The other night, was a fun, yet stupid mess. Carissa[my cousin] Did not want to have a party thing at her house, but her freinds insisted we must. So we did. Beer. Beer. Beer pong, and more Beer. I threw up, not because i can't handle my alcohol, but because my stomach was aching horribly and I needed to, ugh, gag myself. It sounds a little gross, but I did. Her mom and dad found out we drank, they dont really care about that, just the mess. Beer on the carpet, vomit [ not mine, i cleaned mine, maybe if people didn't lie we'd know whos was it] So now my aunt and uncle like to crack drinking jokes on us, THEY'REEE COOL. not. It's getting better though. They are getting over it. No more parties here they said. They said, " if you want to drink that is one thing, but not in my house" ehh. Ohwell. It was sorta fun. Carissa was in her undies half the night, while I was either on my cell with Dave, which is another subject I have yet to mention about in the update, or dancing in the living room shaking my butt to my other cousin's two gross mexican friends, ha. I'm lame. I never really got a chance to play beer pong before the other night, Every other time there was pong around when i was around, I'd pass out before it was my turn, or I'd get bored and leave. I'm pretty good I guess, The girls and I made up a new game, tittypong. you shoot the ball with your mouth into other people's cleavage. I don't know what we were thinking, it must have been a blast at the moment.
Okay next Subject,
Boys.
Well I do not have any yet so there isnt any big news. I am interested in somebody though. He is a nice guy. Makes me laugh, says adorable things - is adorable. We talk a lot, a lot meaning considering our difference in phone companies, like about 200 $$ or more over my bill on texts. Ha. It's cool though, I enjoy talking to him. He lives an hour and a half away, and says he doesnt care that it is that far and insists when he drives, he will come see me often. That is really nice if you think of how high gas prices are. anyway, he is on tour with his band, they are on there wa to tennessee. then i think NY, or PA or something, then NJ!!<3 again, and hopefully i get to go to his show. I dont know, boys tend to dislikeme after a week or two, and I don't even know what will happen this time, ohwell, m taking a shot at it, see how it goes, get to know him better, wherever that leads us i guess will be the end point. good or bad.
Final subject,
Friends.
I have a few, you know who you are. I just don't understand what can bring a friend in and out of your life. An argument. an issue. A boy. Well, one of these is happening in my life right now. Its not my friends fault but the world. She is still my best friend in my heart, sometimes it just seems like we are growing further and further apart, [i thought this would happen next year, when they leave for college] I guess it is starting a bit earlier. What can i do though?? I wish i had someone that would sweep me off my feet and let me put nothing infront of them. Except my friends and family, of course. Which my friend seems to not be doing. It's fine. I understand, they are lucky i am not a total bitch, or I'd flip shit. It's life I have to deal. It hurts to see you fade knowing you're so close and I never see you. I'm not trying to act like we aent friends anymore, we are, we are great friends when we are together, but what is that, like once a week, or once every two weeks, compared to before, - everyday, all day. I miss comming over and doing nothing all day. Eating and taking walks to nowhere. Taking pictures of us being stupid. Last summer when we thought we were awesome and went to "hardcore" shows everyday of out lives, begging our moms for money everyday for them. Getting all cute and stuff then going and ending up looking disgusting by the time they ended. Long car trips i hope we have again but only including me-you. I dont know. I may sound lame but nobody understands, and if you do, thanks your great.
i just miss you.
-Lets see what the future holds for me, time will only tell
on that note, im going to awake my cousin, then cuddle.
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[12 Jul 2006|10:49am] |
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Honestly I'm done with the bullshit and I'm done with trust. Not that anything happend to make me this way, right now anyway, I just want to save myself a trip of drama. Due to the fact i am outragously gullable, it's hard for me to ever tell when someone is lying. I hate liars! I personally think its harder to live with guilt than face consiquences! but i guess not everyone is like me. I've once again accomplished nothing this week. My days sorta went like this: wakeup to get my brother on the camp bus, go back to sleep, wakeup, lay out, go swimming, shower, sit around, someone come over, walk to wawa come home. not exciting. at all. and im bummed i can't go up to mackenzie's house. my mom sucks. I need to read two books this summer and i have yet to. I need to go get them. urgh. whatever knowing my life ill sit down all day and read them since i don't have a life. Paige's hair is now long and gorgeousss. I suggested she should get extensions. Shes never has long hair before. it's reall nice. Speaking of fake hair, mines falling out and i need new ones. ugh. I need a job, like now. I always say I'm going to look and i never do. I am getting paper today and looking. I honestly don't know how I've made it this far without money in my pocket. Angela's birthday is comming up, 17!!<3 shes soo old noww. I remember wheni was 2 and she was 4. I wish i was still that little. Running up and down the sidewalk with her till the sun went down. Sleeping in her mom's room with walky talkys under our pillows and her reading me a bedtime story from her big book with gold pages. Ohhh man. It is 11:11. WISHHH. haha hmm I'm kinda done wishing for a boy. It's not comming true anytime soon. Boys really really make me mad. Not all boys are scum but most are and some are and you just can't tell. I can never telll :( One day one day. I shall wait. Hopefully the rest of my summer goes well. Ang drives soon so hopefully i go out a lot more. with her. I miss her she works like everyday. blahhh.
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[09 Jul 2006|10:55pm] |
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i havnt updated in a while. Im going to delete my last post becuase its stupid and annoying. The beach house was really fun. I love not one person more than i love my cousin<3 we are twins. really we are. It amazes me. Anyway we basically drank all day and night. Margaritas & strawberry dacari in the day, beer, gin, smirnoff, mike's hard, tequila at night. My family is funny. I was dancing to Shakira and i had my cousin and all her friends dying. This week hopefully Thursday going to pt pleasent and staying with mackenzie for a couple days or something.[that would be amazing] Idk, my plans never work out, I do wish this will though. Lately I've been having bad tummy pains. :( idk why. Here's pics.
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[23 Jun 2006|09:23pm] |
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blah |
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yeah so, so far summer hasn't been the "blast" i expected. Just tons of sunburn. Yesterday was friday, and i did nothing. Actually, i went to fridays and sat at the bar with my mom for 45 min while she had a beer, i had 2 waters. I should be the one with the beer. haha. her friend was there so they were talking and i was freezing my butt off. I had such a scary dream lastnight. im freaked out now. :( ANYWAY, today its shitty out, anyone want to hangout?
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[19 Jun 2006|12:15pm] |
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bored |
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this weekend was alright. Pool, Dex's pool. My house. Saturday i went to my dads house and did nothing till later that day I cooked a delicious dinner. Sunday- FATHER'S DAY!, we went on my dad's new boat, it was fun. I love being outside. Besides the fact i peed in the ocean while everyone was watching, i had a good time. My mom's friend died, and i attended a candle lighting thing for it, it was nice. & very sad. Today i think I'm gunna go hangout with my step mommma, cause she can be cool haa. tomorrow, beach possibly?/tasha's dad's house till wednesday.. funeral on thursday then who knows weekend plans? idk if anyone wants to hangout and knows how to get me to their house I'll deff come. shower time.
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| :( |
[13 Jun 2006|09:53pm] |
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my summer is not off to a good start. Even though i got straight As and all As on my finals, school sucked. I don't like my highschool one bit. The people in it are a discrace. MOST of the girls do NOT know how to dress and it is funny because they try and look all cute in dresses but don't pull it off and shit. The guys just make me laugh because they are basically five year olds or gotti boys. I am friends with a total of 3 people in my entire school. I really do not want to go back next year, the only reason i am is so that i can mantain my good grades and get into a nice college. Now that schools over I'll be better 88 percent less stressed. My mom is an idiot though. Who is she saying i do nothing right and that im stupid? My mom works so hard and i help her and she treats me like poop. Whatever she'll regret that. Today me and tasha laid outback and swam with my sister then alex for four hours!! im a lobster. full on freakin' lobster. insane d00d. Oh and to top it off im not attending the umbrellas show on sunday that i have been planning to go to for about a month and a half. LAME. i hate not being able to drive its stupid i think that people should be able to go get their driving tests early and drive if they are good enough. It would make life a whole lot easier. My mom also says i do nothing and shes sick of seing people here and me sitting on my ass all day and always out and that i need to find a job asap. I want a job. I need one. I plan on spending lots of money this summer. I need a new straightner. i need to redo my room becuase its hideous. The last time it was painted is summer of fifth grade and its PINK AND BLACK omgz. how effing lame was I. Thats going to chnage reallll soon. I also need to buy a bathennnsuit. people suckk.
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[11 Jun 2006|06:11pm] |
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This weekend was boring and pointless. friday- mall, applebees, saterday-mall, pt pleasent for about one hour. and today major studying. i couldnt be more happy right now that school ends on tuesday. my mom agreed to let me go in last tomrrow because my last final is eighth period. :D Im super scared to take the history final. i got an A on the midterm but idk.. so far in italian i have a 95, and music i have a 95. i guess thats good. I could have done better. Hopefully i have straight As this marking period. I would have last marking period if i handed in one asignment for theatre. LAME. well yeah once school ends most of my stress will be gone. My backyard is almost done. My mother and I have to buy flowers and stuff and do little touch ups around the pond & pool. This summer shall be fantabulous. If only i had a boy to picnic and make dinner with. NEVER HAPPENING boo to that. I really need to send my camera back to cannon so its fixed by next week. Not having a camera sucks. Well, i have one but its not mine so still, i need mineee. I also need a ride to the show on sunday, and back home. I have to attend that amazing night. ahhh hopefully tasha finds one. if anyone who is reading this which is probably nobody, know how to do LJ coding, heelp me please!! & thankyou!
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